July 27, 2008

Relationship Roadblocks

Funny subject to bring up after I listed all the reasons I love Wes, but it just came up again, and I need to blog it out.

Every relationship has it's road blocks and growing pains.

One of our big ones is where we live.

We live in a state of compromise. We live in West Oakland.

Wes and I grew up in very similar towns. Walnut Creek and Mission Viejo are mirror images of one another. Upper middle class folks, decent public schools, strip-malls and fashion boutiques. Teenagers and nail salons. Great family towns. Not much diversity, not much culture, very clean, very safe.

I never felt any bond with Mission Viejo. I call it home because that's where I grew up and thats where my parents live.
Wes really bonded with his area. He is the kind of person who does not like to leave his comfort zone. He gets very upset when someone parks like an idiot, a pedestrian lingers in the road or a bum asks him for money. He hates trash in the street and low-income neighborhoods with the crime and noise that subsequently come with it.

I ,on the other hand, love to see the diversity. I am humbled by the low-income crowd I live near and feel like a better person for not seeing myself as too good to live here. I like to see how these people live, I love the things they hang on and around their homes. I love that they will sit and stand and talk outside their houses. I love the crazy outfits they wear to church and to see the commuters walking to bart to earn their checks. The crime remind me of how lucky I am and fortunate I am. Living here makes me feel alive and young. It was similar when I lived in San Francisco. I miss san francisco, but I found a new home.

I really do like living here, but it's not quite home,b because my honey hates it. And boy does he remind me.
He reminds me with more and more frequency what he gave up for me and how much he misses it and how god awful this place is. How he is in constant fear of his life every time he walks to his car (dramatization).

I really do not know what to do.
We move on the other side of the tunnel I am looking at a killer commute and I could easily grow very resentful of living in the burbs. But Wes has already grown resentful of living here.

this makes me so sad.

he is a very negative, pessimistic person when it comes to certain things, and I am quite the opposite. It's hard sometimes to see someone be unhappy when you love them so much. I would do anything for him, but I really wish there was a way to show him the good I see in this community.

I wish he would want to change it. I think him and I could make a difference here.

I am rambling, I am upset.
I am going to look at prices of rentals somewhere else now.

i found nothing, i kept clicking on listings in west oakland. the thought of breaking up my carpool or adding another leg to my commute makes me very sad. maybe i need to leave the job i love.

there is no place that satisfies our different needs in a home in a place we could both live.


michelle said...

Oh Jessy, I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you, but I don't. I'm sorry. It's hard to find the right balance. A longer commute for you would also mean less quality time you two get to spend with each other.

Anonymous said...

I'm assuming you looked at Alameda? I know it's technically the burbs, but it's so close to Oakland, SF, Berkeley, etc that it seems like it could be a good compromise. I've heard great things about the ferry from Alameda to SF, too!

Angie said...

Hey Jessy, sounds like a tough problem you are wrestling with. I guess there are several ways you could approach the situation. You guys could talk about the short and long term plans for what you want and don't want. That might enable you two to compromise on the housing situation now and to come to consensus for the housing situation in the future.

Feeling safe and at home is important. You two could talk about things you could do to make yourselves feel more safe. Maybe you could join or start the a neighborhood watch group. You could also speak to the police officers at the local precinct to determine safer areas to live. Best of luck.